one of the many cultural coronal mass ejections from the internet in the early aughts was the "pirates versus ninjas" "debate". (that wikipedia page is wrong to place it in the "late 2000s" - it was in full swing by 2004 at the latest.) it was an excuse to have goofy, zero-stakes arguments with peers, and therefore catnip for dumb teenagers. you could do more than have mock arguments, though. you could get even stupider with it.

i cannot for the life of me recall why we came up with our stupid idea, but we did. transcending pirates versus ninja theory, we sought pirates versus ninjas praxis: we were going to stage a mock fight between pirates and ninjas in the big park across the street from campus, where everyone ate lunch, during lunch. in retrospect, i love how dumb the idea is, because it's dumb without being bad. you shouldn't do it, but not for any particular reason. it's just stupid.

here was the plan: a dozen or so people would dress up like pirates and have lunch in the park. (at berkeley high, this would have drawn no attention on its own). at the beginning of the same lunch period, four or five of us would retreat to some trusted teacher's classroom to change into our "ninja costumes" (black pants, black t-shirts, and another black t-shirt tied around our faces in a particular way that approximated a "ninja mask," as interpreted by teenage sensibilities.) once costumed and equipped with our "ninja weapons" (most of us had shinai for a swordfighting class we were taking, but one late recruit was forced to arm himself with a pair of forks), we'd run through the halls and across the street to challenge the pirates to a fight. after a few moments of fake fighting, they'd be routed and run off, leaving us victorious.

everything started smoothly. we found a sympathetic classroom to stage in, and the late addition of our fork-wielding compatriot was a pleasant surprise, because this activity wasn't the type his normal clique - the cool, rich kids from the hills - engaged in. it was nice to see him have fun slumming it with us dorks from the flats. the charge through campus was uneventful, and our arrival in the park across the street evoked suitable drama: five ninjas silently arrived and stared down the group of carousing pirates forty yards away, who soon noticed our presence and whipped themselves up into a piratey battle frenzy. directly between us, in no-man's land, was a small group of lunchers upon whom the imminent danger of a brawl dawned first slowly and then very quickly. they frantically scampered out of harm's way.

(it was about this time that cutlery-kun was noticed by some of his friends. his earnest confidence blunted their razzing; you can't make fun of someone who obviously gives no shit about your opinion.)

then, the "battle" was joined. as planned, there was no real fighting - just a lot of yelling and posturing. but after a few moments, the thin structure we'd attempted to impose on the encounter began to wobble. the pirates weren't leaving. the original idea was to rout them in only a few seconds and then disperse, thereby minimizing the dual risks of actual injury and adult intervention. but they stuck around, fake-fighting, with no end in sight. even worse, the lead pirate had somehow gotten his hands on his own shinai (from where??) and was swinging it around with a reckless glee that swept right past the intended kayfabe and into outright danger. it dawned on us that perhaps we should have delegated the pirate half of the plan to someone a little less pirate-y. method acting is great, but you still need a director.

so we're locked in this fake fight, trying to figure out if we have to be the ones to extract, and if so, how to do it in a coordinated way, all the while trying not to get beaned by this moron waving a bamboo sword around. (it's hard to actually injure someone with one, but not impossible, and he was not a model of safe behavior.) fortunately, a vice principal's arrival mooted the decision. her face carried the particular weariness caused by possessing the only fully developed pre-frontal cortex amongst a sea of children.

then the pirates ran away.

we, however, stayed. we hadn't actually done anything sanctionable, as far as we knew, and we calculated that running might trigger the administrator predator response. also, this vp was known to be reasonable. (berkeley high students had no problem respecting authority figures on a personal basis - it was the authority delegated to them that we sneered at.)

our diagnosis was correct. with the battle itself concluded, vice principal rory bled's only material request was that we remove our masks. presumably, having a bunch of masked idiots swing weapons around in close proximity to dozens of students officially in her charge was the kind of thing she'd have to Do Something About. none of us wanted that, least of all her. i think she mainly wanted to communicate to us that we were stupid, and could we please stop being stupid - not because there was any risk to anyone's wellbeing, but rather because we were all dangerously close to having to do paperwork. which, fair. and by this point, we were just lying on the grass and reveling in our triumph, so we were happy to indulge her. all things considered, mission accomplished. another round to the students.

the best commentary on the episode came earlier, during our armed charge through the halls. we passed a bemused groups of students and heard one of them ask his friend and also nobody in particular:

"man, why do i go to this school?"